Making Change

Counting sheep

It has been 6 days since I deactivated my Facebook account. It does feel a little odd, I get these urges to post something and then remember that I can't. And I am out of the loop as far as what various Facebook friends are up to, but it doesn't feel like a huge loss. It's a little loss, one I can live with.

I read that someone conducted a major study in which half the subjects continued to use Facebook as usual and the other half were cut off from it. The end result was that the people who had no access to Facebook reported more well being and more free time than those who continued as usual. I can attest that I spend less time on the internet, I don't know about the well being. Yet.

I also decided to look into cognitive behaviour therapy for insomnia (CBT-I). Guess what, there's an app for that. I borrowed or downloaded a few books about insomnia and found one that I especially liked, Overcoming Insomnia and Sleep Problems, by Dr. Colin Espie. He walks you through the process with lots of explanations and suggestions. 

At the core of CBT-I is "sleep restriction": first determining how much sleep you are actually getting by keeping a sleep diary, and then restricting the amount of time you spend in bed to that amount of time. So, if you usually spend 8 hours in bed but are only sleeping for 5 hours, then you start by only spending 5 hours in bed. The idea is that you gradually increase the time you spend in bed as your "sleep efficiency" (time spent sleeping/time spent in bed) increases.

I am currently at the stage of keeping a sleep diary (on my phone app) to see how much time I actually sleep. I am also trying some of his suggestions around "sleep hygiene", such as turning on all the lights in the evening to make my living space as bright as possible and setting an ideal waking time and working back from that to determine an ideal bedtime. What I have learned so far is that I actually get more sleep than I think I do, but that doesn't make me feel any less tired. I am not getting as much as I think I need.

Dr. Espie describes "normal" sleep for different age groups, and of course normal sleep for old people is not great: waking up lots of times during the night and not reaching deep stages of sleep as much as one used to. He cautions old people that while CBT-I will probably help, it will not return them to sleep patterns they experienced as young adults. Those days (and nights) are gone!

In keeping my Sleep Diary I set an 8 hour period for sleeping, which means that I am now aiming to go to bed a couple of hours later than I used to. Between staying up later and getting off Facebook, I suddenly have many more hours of free time. But I am also very, very tired, I feel like I can't actually do anything with all that extra time. 

Dr Espie says it will get better. This is the downside of CBT-I: it's a lot of work and not very pleasant initially, but supposedly it is the best long term solution. We shall see.

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Last week I went to a local shop that sells outdoor clothing and asked about winter boots. I wanted boots that were easy to get off and on, I thought zippered boots would be good. But the proprietor said he didn't carry zippered footwear because the zippers rusted and broke too easily. 

I saw a boot I liked the look of but it was very expensive. I went home and thought about that boot for several days and finally decided to bite the bullet and pay the high price. I went back and the boot was gone, but there were a whole lot of winter boots and shoes on sale. The shop was already stocking up on springwear and putting their winterwear on sale. 

I tried on some of the boots that were on sale. A woman who worked there showed me a boot I could try and it was the boot that I'd seen before and thought was gone. It was just the right size and very comfortable, and it was now half-price!

I love my new winter boots. 

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Reservoir eagle

Yesterday I took Hapi for a walk at the Reservoir and then drove downtown for groceries. It was such a nice sunny windless day that I took Hapi for another walk on the dyke. I ran into a man who was also going for a walk in the same direction. We had such an interesting conversation that we walked together for quite a long way, much longer than I intended. 

By the time I got home Hapi and I were both exhausted. That evening I yawned my way through to my new bedtime unable to do anything other than watch more TV. 

But it was a very good day.

Life is a garden

Life is a garden,

not a road.

We enter and exit

through the same gate.

Wandering,

where we go matters less

than what we notice.

~Bokonon, from The Lost Book

Joy, and Obligations

Okay first the Joy. I went skating this morning. The ice was amazing, like glass. And I was almost the first person on it since the last big rain and subsequent freezing. I met the guy who tries to keep it clear on my way in and he said the ice was so good that you really need sharp skates or you won't be able to skate on it. My skates are sharp.

Hapi ventured out but only made it a few feet to a mound of snow that looked like a little island surrounded by a glassy sea. She stayed there the whole time I was skating, she looked like an Eskimo sled dog abandoned on an ice floe. Each time I came around her little ice floe I thought, Just one more time, one more time and then we'll go. It was so hard to stop, I was in skating heaven!

I did finally stop and after changing back into my boots and Lee Valley Icers because the trails are as icy as the ponds, we went for a hike through an apple orchard and then a woodland trail. By the time we got back to the ponds parents and little kids were arriving for skating and hockey because today is a holiday.

The photo above was taken a couple of weeks ago, today it was even better: the sun was shining and the sky a brilliant blue.

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The comments on my last post were pretty unanimous, don't feel guilty and take time for yourself. How exactly one does that is of course for me to figure out. After venting about the problem, I then turned it around from what I didn't want to do to what I did want to do. I had a list of things I wanted to spend more time on. That list made me feel better, I felt justified in staking out time to tackle my list.

I called E to explain about how driving to her place at supper time was too hard, that I would drop by in the daytime if/when I was in town to shop. She seemed to accept that, but three days later there was a message on my phone (I didn't hear it ring) pleading for me to come visit. Ugh!

I called her and said I'd visit soon and she was more than welcome to come visit me whenever she wanted. Next day she got her son to drive her over. It was suppertime of course, but at least I wasn't out driving around in the dark, and her son texted me when they'd be arriving so I was prepared. But OMG, watching her struggle out of the car, up the driveway to my back stairs, then precariously manouevre herself up those three steps with her son behind her with his arms out in case she fell backwards, then across the back deck and through the kitchen to the nearest chair: that was painful!

We had a nice little visit, there was a stack of photos of children and grandchildren on the table by her chair which we went through after she fed her little bag of dog treats to Hapi, and then it was time for them to leave. The painful process of getting from the car to the chair was re-enacted in reverse and they drove away. But not before E tried to nail down the exact time of my visit to her place in the next couple of days. I just said, Soon, soon.

But I don't know which is worse, driving to and from E's place in the dark when I am tired and hungry, or watching her struggle in and out of my place. I feel doomed.

So yesterday I was talking about this situation with a dogwalking friend, F, and he described his own struggle with aging parents. First his father and now his mother. His father died in his 90s and was both blind and demented, his mother is mentally healthy but blind and physically deteriorating, also in her 90s. In comparing notes I realized that my relationship with E is rather like his with his parents, and the sense of obligation is not much different. Although E is only a few years older than me, regarding her as a debilitated and dying parent puts things in perspective. There are obligations I can shake and obligations I can't, much as I would like to.

We commiserated on feelings of obligation and what it did to the rest of our lives, also on our growing desire to withdraw from everyday socializing altogether. I think it's a bit easier for guys to retire from social obligations than for women, there is more of an expectation of women to "take care of people". I can reduce the socializing with J more easily because she is still mobile, has a car of her own, and multiple other friends. But E has none of those things. Plus, her son has been a real lifesaver for me in the past, so I can't just say, Sorry, I don't feel like it. He said to me a few years ago, You are part of our family. Unfortunately I'm afraid that is true.

I spent the last few days tidying and reorganizing my home which was immensely pleasurable. I now have bags of garbage and recycling prepared for disposal and a couple of bags of stuff for Value Village and/or the SPCA. If I take it to VV, they will give me discount coupons to shop there which I could give to E, but E commented that she hates that place and would rather shop at the SPCA. So maybe I'll take my stuff to the SPCA.

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I am going off Facebook. I disabled my account yesterday, if all goes well I will delete it in a month or so. A Facebook friend posted a TEDx video by Tristan Harris on why one should quit social media and most of his reasons made sense to me. There are pros and cons to everything but right now the cons are outweighing the pros for me.

Mr Harris noted that he thought the first couple of weeks after quitting would be the hardest but then one would adjust. We will see. Last night I went through my Facebook friends list and noted three people for whom I have no other contact info. It may be that I will lose those friends, I don't know. Two of them might be able to contact me if they remember the email address I had before Facebook and the third, well, I think I could probably track her down through mutual friends if I had to. All of them currently reside in other countries.

Aspiring Recluse

This is a bit of a whiney post, but …

I have this friend who is a shut-in, health issues and poverty keep her confined to a basement apartment that she shares with her son. They both love my dog. They used to live just up the street from me and several years ago I got into the habit of taking Hapi to visit them and E would feed Hapi dog treats. I usually went around supper time because E's son didn't get home until then and I wasn't up for going there much later than that.

Anyway, they moved to the next town over but wanted me to continue to bring Hapi to visit, at suppertime. Now it involves a 15 minute drive on the highway one way and in the wintertime I am driving after dark and sometimes in bad weather. I have cut back the visits to twice a week rather than almost every day, but E notices and comments that I don't come often enough and do I hate her, has she done something to offend me?

Since the town they live in now is where all the big box stores are I usually try to combine the visit with grocery shopping, but I have to say it is my least favourite time to shop. Last week I didn't go for the whole week, due to bad weather and a mild sinus infection that sapped my motivation.

Another friend's father is 102 years old and just got out of the hospital after a bout of pneumonia. He's OK, but my friend tells me he is fading fast. His 103rd birthday is coming up in March and we think that anticipation of that celebration is his primary motivation in staying alive. I like this man, I have known him for well over 40 years. He's in an extended care home and I'd like to visit him while he's still around, but trying to schedule that around my visits to E is problematic. At first I thought I could do both in the same trip but then realized it was just too much. I still haven't managed to get over to see him yet.

I feel guilty that my ability to be helpful and compassionate is rather limited, I get impatient with it all rather quickly. I just want to be left alone, I don't want to be running around helping people or visiting them because they are needy.

I spent all of last week (when I was staying home not visiting E ostensibly because of the sinus infection) thoroughly enjoying sitting around reading and sorting through my accumulation of useless junk. Being home alone and without responsibilities feels like a holiday in paradise.

I get out with Hapi every morning for about two hours. I often meet other dog walking ladies, which pretty much satisfies any need I have for social interaction. When we get home she expects water and a treat (she doesn't come indoors and her water bowl freezes if I leave it out so I have to bring it in and out all day), then I have to remove all the winter clothing and put it away and then bring in a load of firewood for the day.

By the time all that is taken care of it is lunchtime. If I don't have errands to run or household chores to take care of then the afternoon is free time, although once a week I go to one of book club, needlework group or bridge club. I have my writing group on Friday mornings which means Hapi's walk gets postponed until the afternoon. She howls when I leave her behind on Friday mornings.

Due to increasing insomnia I have great difficulty getting enough sleep. That means I don't want to go to bed late and thus I don't want to go out in the evening. I do go out occasionally, but I pay for it in sleep deficit for a couple of days after.

I'm really having a hard time with this. I am at heart a petty selfish person who does try not to be, but at the moment petty selfishness is winning.

Big Raven

Hapi and I have been sick the past week, I am recovered but I don't know if Hapi is. She looks un-Hapi and she hasn't eaten her dinner in a couple of days. She does eat any treats offered though and still likes her morning walk. No one else can see any sign of her not being her usual self. I'm thinking it is temporary, she's done this before.

As a result of not feeling well I have had no motivation to go outside for anything other than Hapi's walk and I have to say I am enjoying that. I did get out skating once and skiing once at the Reservoir. The skiing was interesting, I got a lot of advice on how to ski as I made my way around the ponds. The advice was coming from older dogwalkers who used to ski back in the day. I think they were envious, they wanted to ski too. Two mentioned that they still had their skis in storage somewhere, maybe they'd dig them out. I'm not a good skier so I don't mind advice. Who knows, maybe I'll have company for another ski.

Meanwhile back at the ranch I've been puttering around. I got it into my head to finish the woodcarving that I started in Toronto years ago, it has been sitting on a high shelf in a closet since I moved to Nova Scotia (in 2010). I got it down and looked at it.

Where are my carving tools? I spent a day ransacking the house looking for them. In the process, found all sorts of other interesting things and decided to throw away half of them. Interesting garbage, not much more than that. Found the tools.

Then I thought I'd rearrange the furniture in the living room so that Hapi's bed is closer to the armchair I usually sit it, I thought she might spend more time indoors if she could be closer to me. Did that. Didn't make a difference, she seemed to think the new location was a bit odd but she could live with it.

Where are the notes I took in the woodcarving class? Another day ransacking, but still haven't found them. I suspect I may have tossed the notebook they were in. After looking at the set of tools I realized that I have forgotten what many of them are for. I may have to find a book on it.

The instructor in the woodcarving class was a woman whose name I forget. Most of the students were older than me and had been in that class for years, they had a nice thing going. It was a 4-hour class, but halfway through they took a leisurely coffee break and sat at a round table together just chewing the fat. We each had our own project that we worked on independently and the instructor was available for advice. When I joined the class (I was only there for two years), she took several half-sessions to get me up and running, and she did that with every new student. We shared the tools, which were high quality carving tools that she provided. She was a professional carver, actually made a living doing it. It was a very relaxed fun time and I very much enjoyed listening to their stories. One carver was the same age as my Dad would have been and he had the same name! Both given and surnames! They were both in World War II, what an amazing coincidence.

My project is a bas relief (that is what she started everyone on, once you completed that you could do anything you wanted) based on an Emily Carr painting called Big Raven. I love almost everything Carr has done, but Big Raven is my favourite. The instructor approved of my choice, she said it was not too detailed and would transfer nicely to a bas relief.

The first step was to photocopy an illustration of that painting from a book and blow it up to the size of the bas relief, about 12"x16".

Then I laid out a slab of plasticine on a piece of masonite and transfered an outline of the photocopy to the plasticine by poking a needle through the photocopy along all the lines. I also traced the same lines onto a transparent film of mylar with a magic marker. I used the mylar outline to draw the picture onto a 2" thick slab of balsa wood.

The plasticine was for a mockup of the final bas relief, I started by carving the plasticine using the same tools I would use on the wood. Plasticine is a little more forgiving than wood if you make a mistake.

I started carving the wood before I completed the plasticine mockup, the idea was to always be a little further ahead on the plasticine than on the wood. Actually there are parts of the final bas relief that are started (some background details and a tree) that don't appear on the mockup. I don't remember why that is the case.

While I was writing this my neighbour phoned and we had a long conversation about this and that. By the time we were finished I had been given three assignments—call my son about his daughter, call another neighbour about a concert ticket, and call a mutual friend to arrange to go out for lunch this week—which I had to complete before getting back to this blog post. All done now. Texted my son, left a message about lunch, and reserved a ticket for Friday.

PS, I looked through old blog posts about my time in the woodcarving class, the instructor's name was Ruth.

Death in the Park

One day this week I went to the Reservoir to walk Hapi, but a policeman stopped me and said the Reservoir was off limits for the day. He wouldn't say why. I could see that they had heavily sanded the icy road in, presumably to let vehicles drive safely into the park. There was ice on all the trails, I gave up on the idea of an off-leash walk for Hapi. I could have gone out on the dykes, but it was too windy and cold for me.

I went back to the Reservoir the next day, but other than the sand on the icy road there was no sign of what had happened the day before. The day after that I walked with another woman (the wife of the Fairy Door Man) and she told me. A young man, a teenager, had committed suicide in the park. There was already a memorial marker put up by some of his school friends. A crude cross, a tea can, and a full bottle of homemade wine.

This is the third young man in two months to commit suicide in this small town. Like the first one that I wrote about earlier, his mother was also well known in town. I do not know her personally but I recognize her name and many of my friends do know her. I don't know much about the second person, just that there are at least three now. It appears to be viral.

It has cast a pall. I have no doubt that the young man's family and friends are devastated. In addition, the whole town is aware, and it is frightening. I was talking to a friend at my writing group this morning and she said, this is what it must be like in those small First Nations communities when this happens. No where to turn, nothing to be done, and who is going to be next. I guess I now understand why some religions make the act of suicide a sin. It not only hurts family and friends but it tears gashes into whole communities.

After the first one I talked to several women who related terrible stories about their own children's battles with depression, drugs and suicide. It is scary how easily someone you love can be lost. One woman said, when the first one goes, the others who are struggling see that there is a way out. Not a good way, but a way.

Ice

A few days ago Hapi and I were on the trail where the ravens have been tearing up the pine tree branches. A raven in the woods whistled. Hapi responds to whistles (I can't whistle so I can't take advantage of that) so she went tearing off into the woods. She went right to the tree where the raven was perched but she did not look up, she didn't see the raven. The raven was looking down at her, kind of surprised I guess. He wasn't intending to call her. I thought Hapi would come back when she couldn't find the whistler but she did not, she went further into the forest where I couldn't see her. I continued walking, calling her occasionally so she would know where I was, and eventually she reappeared.

The next day I went into the woods where she had been the day before to see if I could find whatever had attracted her after the whistling raven. I found an area of trampled snow, lots of rabbit tracks. Hapi went into the midst of the rabbit tracks to sniff around and I looked to see how big the trampled area was. There were no other tracks, just the rabbit tracks. I'm guessing there is a warren in there somewhere. I mentioned it to a friend who asked if I saw coyote tracks as well but I didn't. The coyotes don't know about this yet.

Yesterday a major storm passed through here, coming from Toronto the day before. In the morning it snowed and was very cold, but since I knew it was going to rain later in the day I took Hapi to the park in the snow. At one point it was snowing so heavily that it was like fog, you could hardly see anything. I decided to walk across the long pond since it is well frozen and people have cleared a skating rink on it. Hapi doesn't like walking on the frozen pond, she knows the risks. She once went through the ice in the Wolfville harbour in January and had to walk home drenched in freezing water. Anyway, she came with me but made it clear she did not consider it safe. She started growling. Ahead of us on the other side of the pond I could just make out two human forms on the ice. Getting closer I saw that they were hardcore skaters with big shovels clearing the snow off the rink. That's what Hapi was growling at, she thought that was really suspect behaviour. I stopped to chat with them about the ice, they were hoping that if they cleared the snow then later when it rained nice smooth ice would form.

When I got home I shovelled the snow off my driveway in hopes that the rain would wash everything away and my driveway would be bare afterwards. But it did mean that it was very icy for awhile. After the snow transitioned to rain Hapi came indoors. She doesn't mind sleeping in the snow but the noise of rain on the deck roof bothers her. In the evening it warmed up dramatically. I went outside and left the door open, just to be in the open warm air. Could barely see the moon. If I had been able to stay awake past midnight I might have seen the lunar eclipse. Maybe. The forecast was for heavy rain through the night so the chances weren't great.

This morning most of the snow was gone. It was cooler than the previous evening but still above zero. We went to the park. The trails were totally icy and optimistically I had not brought my Icers. You could have skated on the trails! I met a couple of other dog walkers and we set out on one trail that didn't look too bad, however once out of sight of the parking lot it turned to a sheet of ice. The other walkers decided to turn back but one of them loaned me her walking stick to continue on.

There are two ways to walk on ice. One is the Old Lady Shuffle and the other is just sliding. I can slide on ice that is relatively smooth but if the ice is bumpy or has a lot of debris in it then the Old Lady Shuffle is best. Either way you have to go slowly. The stick helped. We made it all the way around both ponds but I did not dare go onto the bike trails because they are too steep. At one point I was walking uphill on ice toward the parking lot and the only decent foothold I could get was on some of the dog poop on the side of the trail. People are supposed to pick up after their dogs but obviously not everybody does that. Walking on it was better than trying to walk on the icy slope!

At the parking lot a friend arrived in her car with her big Pyrenees dog. Lulu is bigger and younger than Hapi and just wants to play; Hapi is not interested in playing but she does like the company of other big dogs. I told Lulu's owner E about the ice but she thought she'd try it anyway because she was wearing ice grippers. Not as good as the Icers though. We got a little ways down the trail before she gave up and we turned back to the parking lot.

It is supposed to get really cold tonight. The skaters will get their wish, the ice on the pond will be perfect. And I will not be forgetting to bring my Icers, it is going to be very icy for the foreseeable future.

On hibernation and courting

I have not been sleeping well the past week or so and as a result I have been getting to the dog park late. Not that that is a hardship, but it does mean I miss meeting up with some of my dogwalking friends. When that happens Hapi and I go off on some of the mountain bike trails which we both love. In the winter time there are no bikes to contend with, just the silence of the trees.

This morning that was what we did, and we followed some of the more remote trails this time. As we were arriving back at the parking lot one of the regular dog walkers showed up, she said she deliberately came late in hopes of meeting me since she was aware that my regular schedule was awry. So Hapi and I did one more round of the ponds with P and her dog Maddie.

It is a truly gorgeous day. Very cold, but sunny and windless with only a thin layer of snow on the ground. There is quite a bit of ice under the snow so one does need one's ice grippers, and those of us who frequent the dog park have determined the best grippers around and we all wear them (Lee Valley Icers).

Anyway I was talking about my sleep issues, mostly caused by a series of minor painful inflammations. Seemingly unrelated, but when they happen one after the other one does wonder if there might be a connection. I was saying that it might be a response to stress. Not that my life is stressful or that there is anything serious going on, but still. Even minor stress can be stressful.

P says, "You know, most mammals hibernate at this time of year. Perhaps you should hibernate."

Ahhh. My sentiment exactly. I just want to hibernate, say 'à tout à l'heure!' to the world. I want to run away from all social responsibilities. Spend a week or two in my jammies.

I also ran into A who was born the same year as my mother and shows up in all weathers no matter what with her cute little Teddy. In her bright red ski jacket with a fake fur trimmed hood, her ski poles and dark sunglasses she looks like a well-dressed Arctic explorer. And M with her big old Owie who is the doggy version of Eeyore. So I wasn't the only late walker. There are ice skate marks on the big pond. Even though the snow has not been cleared the ice is thick and the snow is thin. And the ravens are just going crazy.

I don't know what is happening with the ravens, maybe courting? There was always a pair of them at the park, with their nest by the parking lot. Last summer they successfully raised quite a brood of youngsters and now there are at least half a dozen of them. They are unusually loud and engaged in producing strange sounds, I heard one today that sounded like it was trying to sing.

The other thing they are doing is tearing off the growing tips of pine branches. Some parts of the trails are quite littered with the small pine branch tips. I watched one raven ripping off a branch tip, it did not appear to be eating it, just tearing it off and dropping it on the ground.

The singing raven was clearly directing its efforts at a raven in a nearby tree; when a couple of other ravens flew by it immediately reverted to regular raven caws. I think it was telling the passers-by to mind their own beeswax.

Haven't seen our two resident eagles lately, they are most likely participating in the annual Eagle Watch.

Back in the '70s and early '80s there were hardly any bald eagles here. Then one farmer got the idea to try to bring them back; he collected farm animal carcasses from his neighbours and put them out in a field to attract the few eagles remaining. Farmers all up and down the Valley heard about his efforts and were happy to contribute dead animals. It didn't happen right away but within a couple of decades he was hugely successful. Today we have a tonne of eagles. That farmer is long gone and large animal carcasses are no longer put out for the eagles, but the local chicken farmers do put their dead birds out, especially at this time of year. Facebook and Instagram are full of eagle photos from the Eagle Watch right now. So our resident eagles are temporarily away feasting, while the ravens stir up a ruckus in their absence.

Off to a grumpy start, with flowers

Last summer I planted some nasturtiums in my garden but I did it late and they sprouted but not much else. So in the fall I dug them up and potted them to bring indoors. Now I have nasturtium flowers in the window.

My writing group has been trying to come up with meeting guidelines. We meet once a week to read what we've been working on and then reviewing/critiquing what we are listening to. There are plenty of examples online of such guidelines and various people in the group have sent copies around for our edification. Recently, someone thought we should finalize a set of guidelines for our group, that we could follow and also present to new members. So one set of guidelines was printed and distributed to the group shortly before Christmas, and about the same time it was decided (by the same person after discussion with a few of us) that we should close our group to new members.

At our annual Christmas get together a few people confided that actually, they didn't agree with that decision or with how some of the guidelines were worded, but did not feel in a position to object. I raised this at our next regular meeting, there was a discussion of the guideline document and the issue of closed membership, and an edited version of the guidelines was passed around via email for discussion. At our meeting last week some minor changes were made and the document generally accepted. Also, membership was officially reopened.

Through the process I changed my opinion from being fully in support of the guidelines to not wanting guidelines at all. I am in a minority of one, no one else supports my view. My viewpoint is, the fewer rules the better, we should only require rules for specific ongoing issues. While this document is intended to be only guidelines, nevertheless I have heard several people refer to them as the Rules and I think it's a slippery slope between guidelines and rules. I think that a solution to a particular problem often creates new problems while solving the original problem and one ought to be very careful in trying to solve a problem with a 'Rule'.

I asked the question, what is the problem we are trying to solve here and was told that it was twofold: too many people showing up for a meeting and thus limiting the time for reading and critiquing for each person, and some new members being disruptive due to no clear guidelines on how to comport themselves.

My view is, any new members who have been disruptive have moved on pretty quickly, they decided for themselves that they did not fit into our group, so why do we need rules for them? Also, we have been operating for a number of years without guidelines, why do we need them now? The behaviours deemed disruptive were arriving late and receiving cell phone calls during the meeting. The lateness issue was discussed at length, and while some people are bothered by it, others feel that occasional lateness can't be helped when travelling some distance to get to the meeting especially in the wintertime.

The obvious solution to me is just common sense: if you arrive late you may not have a chance to read if there are a bunch of people who arrived ahead of you. I also pointed out that we don't advertise and new members come by invitation only, so the inviter can fill the new member in on our current protocol in a brief conversation not requiring a written document (avoid lateness and turn off your phone or take your phone calls out of the room).

The discussion got a little heated and someone accused me of changing my mind from being fully supportive of the guidelines to fully opposed. I freely admitted that yes, I had changed my mind. Is that a problem?

Last night I was at a surprise birthday party for a friend and got into a conversation with another friend about "vision statements". She told me how she had wanted to join a particular local community group and was encouraged to do so, but when she was told that the next meeting of this group was devoted to coming up with a Vision Statement, she immediately decided this group was not for her. Having spent a career in various offices where Vision Statements were hammered out, she had concluded that they were a total waste of time and were of no use at all for busy groups just trying to get a job done.

I agreed with her heartily, the few times I have been involved in such exercises the discussion inevitably devolved into hair-splitting, and in order to achieve consensus the end result was a bland inanity. I have to say that that is my opinion of guidelines and rules as well. Such discussions are rarely useful and often result in creating new problems in place of the old ones.

I am starting off the new year being a grumpy iconoclast. Where will it end?

For a chuckle, here's a sign posted at my mechanic's garage:

Christmas prequal

The picture above is a handmade Christmas card by a talented friend. She vastly under estimates her own talent, insisting that her daughters are far more talented. They have obviously inherited her artistic talent but their style is very different from hers. She makes things simple, they make things more elaborate.

Busy pre-Christmas season. Three potluck dinners in one week. I actually find potlucks stressful, I never know what to make and am nervous that I will burn or otherwise make the food unappetizing or inedible. This year I bought two Christmas fruitcakes which I managed to stetch out over two of the potlucks, and baked an extra loaf of bread (I normally bake all my own bread, one of the few things I can make without mishap!). When a couple of people heard that I made sourdough bread, they requested a bit of sourdough starter so I made that too. I figure I got off light.

Christmas Day dinner will be at a neighbour's place, my contribution will be cheese and crackers, and broccoli. How hard can that be? Not, I hope. Someone else requested some starter and offered a kombucha scobie in exchange, I'm not sure how I feel about that. One more thing to keep alive! Ah well.

Then on Boxing Day a friend is having a bunch of people over because her son and daughter who live in other provinces will be here. A cause for celebration. She told me that her husband recently switched to non-alcoholic beer and they buy it at Superstore. She said it was very close to real beer, so I bought a 6-pack to try it. Especially over the holiday season when the law is out in force to catch inebriated drivers, I thought a nice non-alcoholic beer to take to parties would be good.

Finally, on the first Sunday of the New Year, another neighbour is having a single women's New Year celebration. She lives walking distance from me so I will leave the non-alcoholic beer at home and take something a little more fortified.

By the time all those dinners, parties and celebrations are done I will be more than ready to be a recluse for a while. It seems that I can only handle so much socializing before I just want to hide away from humanity.

This picture is of a Christmas gift from my eldest son. It depicts a lake in Ontario, Balsam Lake to be exact. As a child I spent all of my summers there. My parents retired and lived there until my father's death. My mother sold the house, she said it was too difficult to consider how to split it between four offspring, only one of whom remained in the province. Too bad. We each ended up inheriting the equivalent of a quarter share; the cash was nice but I miss the lake. Now I can put it on my wall.

There is one tiny island missing from this picture, the creator of the plaque said it was too difficult to include it. Here is an old photo of that island (Ant Island). It's that little black outline on the horizon between the two trees. I used to be able to swim there and back, it was the test you had to pass if you wanted to take a canoe out by yourself.

Death of a young man

I went to a funeral yesterday. Left the house at noon, didn't get back home again until almost 5pm, so it essentially took up the whole of my day.

I picked up a friend who can't drive and we went early because we knew that half the town would be there and we hoped to get seats. It was the funeral for a young man who committed suicide, his family is very well known and connected in this town. I have known the family for over 40 years, and the young man helped me build a fence around my backyard in anticipation of Hapi's arrival in 2011. My friend's kids went to school with this man, he was part of a large 'gang' of kids who hung out together in those days.

He struggled with depression for most of his adult life. He was somebody who appeared to have everything going for him: attractive, talented, well-liked and at the centre of a good group of fun-loving kids. Also part of a loving family with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles around. But for whatever reason it wasn't enough.

I know two things about depression. One is, your brain lies to you. And the more it lies the more you isolate yourself from the people who can point out the lies. The other is, it's worse when you're young. Emotional experience is more intense and you don't have the acquired knowledge of life experience to deal with it.

The funeral was well done I thought. It was held in his parents' church, there was a slide show of photos and a display of some of his art and musical instruments. The hymns were good. That's saying a lot, I don't usually like hymns, to put it mildly. A Catholic priest who had befriended the young man gave the eulogy, his brother and a former girlfriend spoke of their experiences with him, and another friend sang 'Somewhere over the rainbow'. At the end they played a recording of the young man singing a Creedence Clearwater Revival song. No dry eyes, but a few chuckles over some of the stories, particularly as told by his brother.

His mother is the musical director of that church and all of the family is musically gifted. A few young people attended but around here most young people have to move away to find work, so a lot of parents of the kids who hung out together attended on their kids' behalf. Many more went to support the family of the young man. My kids weren't part of that gang, they were an older cohort, so I went because of my relationship to the family and because of my brief relationship with the young man who helped to build my fence.

It snowed heavily. I could barely get back up the hill to my home afterward. Yet another winter wonderland. The ducks really are gone now, the ponds are fully frozen. After dark the sky cleared and I watched Orion rising with Hapi. I love that she likes to just sit and watch the world. She even got me out of bed so she could go out and look at the snow one more time.

Ducks of winter

The ducks came back! They just couldn't stay away!

We've had snow and high winds and bitter bitter cold. A local Facebook friend posted a memory from last November: she was mowing her lawn exactly a year ago! Yesterday I dug out my warmest parka and folded out the furry hood to make a protective tunnel for my face and it was still bitter cold.

But the ducks came back. I'd post a photo but it was so cold my cell phone camera refused to function. The big pond is completely frozen and the little pond is half frozen so the ducks, masses of them, are huddled in the small area of open water. They try to stay as close to the shore as possible, but when Hapi and I walk by they head out away from us, quacking complaints about having to move.

The three blue jays keeping all the little birds away from my bird feeder had to give it up because the snow covered all the nearby branches where they were perching. So the little guys, the goldfinches and chickadees, one lone sparrow, a nuthatch and three cardinals, have been mobbing the feeder. The cardinals are very shy, they try to stay well out of view but in a bright red coat that's hard to do.

The female cardinal is easy to pick out, she's more brown than red. I was surprised to be able to distinguish the two males, one is bright red and the other more of a pinky-coral colour. I'm told their plumage gets darker as they mature so the coral cardinal must be a youngster.

I went snowshoeing on Wednesday with my walking-cycling group. We walked around a golf course in the fresh powdery snow. The first day of snow was heavy and wet but then it got cold and the second day of snow was powdery. Two people didn't have snowshoes so we walked single file to create a trail they could walk on easily. Hapi set out joyfully across the snow to explore the wide expanse of the golf course 'greens', but she soon tired of slogging through deep snow and joined our single file expedition with the snowshoeless couple. She's not a puppy anymore.

We saw deer tracks which Hapi investigated very thoroughly, and strange tracks on a frozen pond. We tried to guess what made them. We think it might have been a pair of creatures, perhaps otters, sliding on the soft ice. Hapi had the good sense not to investigate.

Today is Black Friday, I bought bird seed on sale. Feeding the economy, the birds and my soul.

November winter

Looks like winter is coming a little early this year. Snow in the air, ice on the ground, and temperatures low enough to prevent thawing.

Last week the wind blew so hard that my woodpile fell over. Had to restack it in the cold wind because the snow was coming and I wanted it back in place before that. But stacking in the wind meant it got thoroughly tested for stability, I am pretty sure it isn't going to fall over again.

November ducks of a previous year

I was at the reservoir early this morning and saw the last of the ducks leaving. Normally they wouldn't leave until well into December, but already one pond has frozen over and ice is forming in the other pond. Yesterday there were hundreds of ducks there, this morning there were maybe a couple dozen and by the time I left there were none. They were leaving in groups of 5 or more, heading down to the river I think. If we have a huge warm spell they might come back, but I doubt it. It was so nice to listen to them quacking in the morning, but now they're gone and I will miss them.

I did get my bird feeder up though so I can enjoy the chickadees and blue jays and finches and such. Today three jays staked out the feeder and chased off every bird that tried to approach. The chickadees waited them out and eventually the jays grew tired of the game and left. Then there was a flurry of finches at the feeder and juncoes and a mourning dove on the ground below.

I will miss the ducks though.

Across the divide of time

I thought I had a dentist appointment this afternoon but I got the day wrong, it's tomorrow. Which gave me a whole extra two hours this afternoon, better than a time change!

Yesterday was my grandson's birthday, and the family tradition is for me to Skype or Facetime in for the singing of Happy Birthday and the cutting of the cake. T, my grandson, had requested a cheesecake for the occasion. He is now 17 years old. What was remarkable from my perspective was that he initiated the Facetime call with me. While everyone else in his family was getting ready for the 'main event', T made conversation with me.

He asked, "So what are you working on today?"

This was so unexpected I didn't know how to answer. I sat there trying to remember what I had done that day, and since it was actually a busy day there was lots to remember. I finally came up with: "I made salsa."

He was impressed that I made salsa, he said he didn't know that you could make it yourself. I asked him what he worked on today and he said he was rehearsing Twelfth Night, for which he had scored a main role. Then he picked up a small child and showed him to me on camera. He told me that it was cousin with a name I can't remember or even pronounce if I could remember it. Told his cousin to say 'Hi' to me, which he did. Then swung the camera around to show me another cousin, a slightly older child, and finally his younger brother P.

What impressed me about the conversation is that he asked me what I was doing that day. Never in all the conversations I have had via phone, Skype, Facetime or even in person have any of my kids expressed any interest in knowing what I was doing. Occasionally I will mention something but it falls into the conversation like a rock into a black hole, never to reappear or be acknowledged.

Earlier that day at the dogpark I was chatting with a fellow old lady dog walker and mentioned a conversation with another older woman who had been quite ill this summer and whose husband is paralyzed and keeps her very busy looking after him. Her illness made the summer extremely stressful and she complained that none of her kids stepped up to help. When I repeated this story to my dog walking friend she chipped in with her own stories of offspring neglect. How the youngsters don't seem to appreciate the difficulties of older age (my friend is 85, the other woman I spoke of, 80) and blithely expect one to carry on unaided. So far my own experience is similar although not quite as extreme.

At the dogpark

I complained that my kids want me to listen to them talk about their lives but seem totally uniniterested in what might be going on in my life. My friend countered that she remembered having that same attitude towards her own parents. That they must be endlessly fascinated by the lives of their children and couldn't possibly have anything to say for themselves that might be of interest. I said I knew what she meant and that 'what goes around comes around'.

So when my grandson actually asked what I did today, I was struck speechless.

Towards the end of the call he suggested that I download a particular game that we could play over the internet, he thought it would be fun to have a 'gaming granny' that he could play with. After the call I looked up the game he suggested and it was a popular shoot-em-up last-man-standing-wins kind of game. Much as I would like to have the interaction with the grandson, I don't know if I can bring myself to play that particular game.

The difficulties of navigating intergenerational communication…

A death in the family

I think I might be getting better. I am still sick, but not as sick as maybe a week ago. It's very gradual. I am hoping that in a couple more weeks I'll be out of the woods with this. A retired geneticist friend of mine thinks maybe I have a virus that hides in the body somewhere and every once in a while comes out and wreaks havoc. I think she's probably right.

Because my energy level is so low and I have to budget my activity, my social life has taken a back seat to things I need to get done around my place. Like harvesting the garden, stacking firewood, mowing the lawn, walking the dog. I always have a to do list, I can only cross off so much. But enough about me.

My son's dog died on Friday. The dog had tumours growing around his trachea, eventually he would asphyxiate. My son was trying to decide what to do. The vet had suggested surgery but my son didn't feel he could afford it, and anyway (as I pointed out), there was no guarantee they wouldn't just return again. He didn't know when he should pull the plug. Avoiding suffering was his main concern.

Some friends said, "Oh, you'll just know."

I said that wasn't always the case, it can be very difficult making that decision. We had a long phone call about it and at the end he thanked me for being able to have that conversation. I think he just needed a sounding board for all the conflicted feelings he had about it.

A couple days later he posted on Facebook about the dog's last day. The whole family took him out for a walk and then went to the vet's office. I think it was as good a way to handle it as possible.

I was fond of the dog, I feel sad that he died. He was a good family dog, he loved everyone in the household. He was always very happy to see me when I came to visit, but perhaps not so keen on my dog (who did not behave well when the two first met).

My son's youngest son has been hardest hit by this death, I don't think he has any memories of their previously dog-free home.

A lovely summer and a not so lovely fall

I had a good summer. Quiet summer. I stayed home, I grew a garden, I walked my dog at the Reservoir almost every day. Usually there are two houses full of fairly noisy students next door to me and across the street, but this summer one house was empty because it is up for sale and the other house was empty because the owner wanted to do some cleanup (students are hard on the houses they live in). So it really was quiet. I know this will probably not be the case next summer so I thought this was a chance to enjoy it. It was, I did.

The first week in September I and four friends kayak-camped in Kejimkujik Park. We had near perfect weather and a very good time. There was one cold and windy day, we hunkered down for most of that day but the rest was perfect sunny warm weather. We arrived back at Jake's Landing tired but happy around 5.00pm on the last day. After emptying our kayaks and packing everything into three cars we went to a nearby restaurant for supper before heading home. I had left Hapi with a dogsitter and while she was happy to see me she was not frantic; the dogsitter had clearly taken good care of her.

I expected to be tired afterwards, we've been doing this trip annually for many years and the older I get the more tired I am at the end of it. I had one full day to get everything dried out and packed away before a day of rain hit. That was okay, everything went according to plan. But on the third day, when I expected to be more or less recovered, I was completely felled. Spent most of the day in bed, had a frozen soup for supper, went back to bed. Pretty sure I had a fever but my thermometer was broken so I could only go by how I felt.

It's been two weeks since then. I am not better. The fever was shortlived but the fatigue and brain fog have settled in for a good long stay. I am pretty sure this is ME/CFS. I had it at least once before, in 2000/2001, so I know what if feels like. Of course it is one of those things that only get diagnosed by process of elimination (not this, not that, not the other thing) and most protocols state that you have to have it for at least 6 months before it's official (one website said because it's the only disease that causes symptoms to last that long, but they didn't say what other diseases cause those symptoms for less than 6 months).

The first time I had it, it did only last 6 months and I thought I was cured. My doctor was sceptical and urged me to be extremely careful about resuming a normal level of activity. I thought I was careful. Every time I came down with something that caused a fever (usually a 'flu) I'd panic, but was always relieved that it really was 'just the flu'.

I think I might have had a relapse in 2011, but I can't be sure, and I don't know how long it lasted. At the time I did not have a GP, I went to an after-hours clinic and the doctor on duty ordered blood tests. She gave me a copy of the results which were all normal so there was no follow-up. I still have that copy and that's all the evidence I have that anything happened then. I remember the doctor and the blood work but nothing else. My blog makes no mention of it.

I don't know if this is a relapse or a totally new instance. I tried looking up CFS relapse, but there's nothing out there to suggest a 10 or 18 year remission between episodes. The first episode did not last more than 6 months so technically, it was not ME/CFS (although my doctor was certain that it was). I have not seen a doctor this time around. My doctor now is a half hour drive on the highway away and I don't trust myself to drive that far. I don't know whether he is willing to believe that ME/CFS exists or not, whether he will take me seriously or not. It seems like a long way to go to find out he is not. Maybe times have changed, maybe it's no longer a question but it certainly was back in 2000.

In 2000 someone recommended that I see a homeopath, which I did. Since I had something that I could barely get a diagnosis for and there was certainly no treatment for, I wasn't going to quibble about whether homeopathy works or not. Anyway this guy prescribed a bunch of stuff, I saw him several times and on the last visit he pronounced me cured. At the time I certainly didn't feel cured but apparently he was right. Normal life resumed, at first gingerly but after a year or so I got used to being normal again. Slightly less energetic, a lot more cautious, but well within the range of normal.

So I was thinking about seeing a homeopath again, there's one in town who is recommended by those who have been to her. But I visited her website and there was a form she wants you to fill in before your first appointment and just reading the form was daunting. I don't think I have the energy or the brainpower to do it, any more than to drive on the highway to see the doctor.

In the morning I get out of bed and dressed so I can take Hapi for her walk. The rest of the day I force myself to not go back to bed. All I can think about though is how nice it would be to sleep. Then at night I finally go to bed and I'm still thinking how nice it would be to sleep. All night long. Sometimes I actually do sleep.

Crap crap crap.

Tuesday September 15, 1998 - BC

New Westminster - sunny and warm.

There was a little lake at the rest stop I had pulled off at the night before, I woke to see ducks there. Very peaceful and pretty. I stopped in the Osoyoos - Summerland area for groceries at one of the many well-stocked fruit stands. Then I stopped for lunch at the Hope Slide, a huge landslide just outside of Hope on the eastern end of the Fraser Valley. Then it was straight on to home, stopping only for gas in Abbotsford. On arriving in New Westminster I went uptown to arrange for a phone to be installed at my condo, then home to a nice clean empty apartment. Yohan plopped down in the entrance way and I don't think he moved for two hours. I on the other hand spent the rest of the day unpacking the truck. What a mess!

And so ended my four-month journey across the country and back. The only territory I failed to visit was Nunavut.

When I arrived home there was a letter from Laurene saying that I should call them right away as Ray had been diagnosed with lung cancer (again) and this time it was terminal. The breathing problems he'd been having in northern BC and the Yukon were the first signs of it, they had had to cut their trip short when Ray was airlifted back to Victoria. I managed to see him one last time at their home in Victoria.

Yohan was old (16 years) and not well, I knew before I set out on this trip that it would be his last. He died the following December. The vet thought he might have pancreatic cancer; that may have been why his liver was swollen when I took him to the Copper River clinic in Whitehorse. Josh eventually turned up. The police in Castlegar did track him down but they did not tell me his whereabouts, just simply that he was alive and well. Sam spent the full nine (eight?) months with Katimavik before returning home, he spent three months each in Quebec, Newfoundland and Ontario.

And that's the end of my travel tale.

Monday September 14, 1998 - BC

Grand Forks - sunny and warm.

I crossed Alberta and reached the mountains by early to mid-afternoon. I stopped in Castlegar around 7.00pm to try to locate Josh. I talked to a lady living in his old house, then tried to get a hold of the police. The Police Office was closed but there was a phone at the front door. After hours everything is routed through Nelson, which means long distance; and because of the new long distance plans, all circuits were busy. Some of the guys at the Fire Department next door were watching from their second floor lounge and offered to help. I went in and they called the Nelson police from their phone, I guess they had a better number to call. I made my report, they said they'd be in touch.

I got gas and made a quick supper—I was starving at this point—and continued on. I pulled off the road for the night at a rest stop somewhere past Grand Forks.

Sunday September 13, 1998 - Saskatchewan

Gull Lake - sunny and warm.

I got on the road early again and drove through to a rest stop on the side of the road at Gull Lake. I've been there before so I was looking for it. It was mostly prairie driving. Once again the CD player was not working properly. If there is anywhere you want to listen to music it is driving across the prairies.

Saturday September 12, 1998 - Manitoba

Falcon Lake, Manitoba

Falcon Lake - sunny and warm.

I left the campground early and made it to Falcon Lake, Manitoba by night. I passed through the infamous Wawa (where hitchhikers dread to be let off).

The Wawa Goose

Also passed through White River, the birthplace of Winnie-the-Pooh.

Postcard from White River

Lots of places to stop along the Lake Superior shore and the weather was beautiful.

Yohan being majestic. He can't hold his tail up anymore.

The shore of Lake Superior

More great scenery along the north shore of Lake Superior. I took a little side trip to see the Panorama amethyst mine. The mine itself was nothing special but the drive in was pretty nice, with a road up a cliffside and great views of Lake Superior. Panoramic.

On the road to Panorama

Panoramic view, Lake Superior in the distance