Monday, June 11, 2018

Thursday June 11, 1998 - Queen of Prince Rupert

Moresby Mountain from Mosquito Lake
Queen of Prince Rupert ferry - sunny and warm

I spent the night at Gray Bay and had a leisurely breakfast in the morning. Two people from forestry, a man and a woman, came by to clean up the site and while they were there I noticed that my truck had a flat tire, probably from the rough driving the day before. The guy helped me change the tire. The spare tire was low on air but the guy seemed to think it would be OK, so I decided not to cut short my trip. I drove the logging roads to Skidegate Lake, Mosquito Lake and Moresby Camp, then back to Sandspit and the ferry terminal.

Roadside deer
Another tiny deer, they're everywhere
There was lots of wildlife: eagles, ravens and the tiny island deer, the size of dogs. Also lots of no-see-ums and black flies. Mosquito Lake is in the middle of Moresby Island and there are no roads south of there. Moresby Mountain is the tallest mountain in Haida Gwaii, you can see it across Mosquito Lake. Moresby Camp is on an inlet from Hecate Strait, the waters between Haida Gwaii and the mainland.

Ocean inlet at Moresby Camp
To see the old Haida sites you have to approach the southern part of the island by boat. My one attempt to see an old Haida village site the day before did not turn out well.

While waiting for the ferry I talked to a kayaker who was just back from two weeks kayaking around South Moresby Island with friends. He was an American from Washington State, but used to live in Nova Scotia on the South Mountain just south of Middleton, "being a hippy". Small world. I got back to the Skidegate ferry terminal on Graham Island around 7.30 pm, had supper at the forestry site just outside of Queen Charlotte City, and then went back to the ferry terminal to wait for boarding the 11 pm ferry to Prince Rupert.

I had booked a cabin so I picked up some free ice for my cooler and went straight to my cabin. I had a nice hot shower and went to bed. In the morning I had a second hot shower ( you just never know when you'll have access to a hot shower again!) and bought breakfast. Then I went below to the truck where Yohan had spent the night and waited to offload. My truck was parked behind a cart and the ferry guys did see it, so they didn't move the cart and I couldn't get off. I had to go talk to them to let them know where my truck was but they thought I was a foot passenger and told me to go back and wait to be told to debark. But finally they moved the cart and I was able to drive off.

I learned a lot about the history of these islands while visiting. The Haida were once a powerful nation that lived on the islands but raided and traded with other nations on the mainland. When European traders first arrived on the west coast from the east, they set up their trading post in Prince Rupert rather than on Haida Gwaii, ostensibly out of respect for the Haida. But Catholic missionary priests did settle in the islands.

Later, during the many gold rushes on the west coast of North America, prospectors came up from the south and explored the islands looking for gold. Haida youth were fascinated by the prospectors stories of the cities of the south and some decided to pack up and move there. Unfortunately they did not do well in the south and many of them returned chastened to the islands. But they brought with them an unwelcome guest, smallpox. The disease spread rapidly and horribly, the Haida population was decimated.

Priests living at the north end of Graham Island in Massett convinced the remaining Haida to move there so the priests could help look after them. So all of the villages of Moresby Island were abandoned. When Emily Carr visited Haida Gwaii, the remaining Haida still lived mostly in Massett. But they used to spend summers visiting their old villages in the south, Carr was able to visit them also with friends she made among the Haida.

In their heyday the Haida were fearsome warriors, taking prisoners to be their slaves back home. Trading among the nations of what is now British Columbia was principally based on the oulichan, a small very oily fish. The oil-rich fish provided light, heat and food. The trading routes were known as the Grease Trails and extended from the Yukon to California, from the Pacific Coast to well past the Rocky Mountains.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Wednesday June 10, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

Queen Charlotte City from the ferry to Moresby Island
Gray Bay, Moresby Island - cool and cloudy

I had breakfast and did a bit of shopping in Queen Charlotte City and then took the ferry across to Alliford Bay on Moresby Island. I drove the short distance into Sandspit, the only town on Moresby. It was sure cold and windy! All the roads on Moresby are logging roads and you have to have permission from the logging company, Timber West, to go on them or to use the forestry campsites. I found their office building but I couldn't find the front door, I ended up going into the office by the fire escape. The man who let me in said that their back door was really their front door, and vice versa. He gave me a map and said there was nothing going on in the area so I could drive on any of their roads and stay at any campsites. It felt like being given the Keys to the Kingdom, I was quite elated when I left. I drove down the Copper River Road. There was hardly anyone on the ferry when I came across and most of those people were going to the Sandspit airport. I had the woods to myself!

My intention was to visit all the sites marked on the map: Gray Bay, Moresby Camp and Mosquito Lake. I stopped on the river at one point and disturbed an eagle who I guess was looking for fish, and then arrived at Gray Bay.

Gray Bay
Gray Bay is a crescent shaped bay about ten km from one end to the other, all beach. There are twenty campsites evenly spaced along the beach, about a half kilometer apart. I pulled into a lovely campsite out in the open by the beach. I had a sandwich while sitting on the beach, it was a long sand and stone crescent beach with a bit of surf and a light breeze.

I realized that this was probably going to be my last night camping by the ocean so I shouldn't bother going inland. However, I still wanted to drive a bit, so after the sandwich I went all the way to the end of the road at the south end of the beach and then turned around and went back to another road that my map showed leading to some old abandoned Haida village sites. This road went through a large area of clearcut. I went up one logging road, stopped at a ditch in the road and walked to the top of the road where I had a view of Gray Bay and the mountains to the west. Then I drove on to find the villages. I stopped to watch a deer by the side of the road, we stared at each other for awhile but he was too deep in the woods to photograph. Then I set out on the track that let to the village sites.

It was very narrow and somewhat overgrown. Quite suddenly I came up on a washout in the track. I skidded to a stop inches from going over the edge. The track was too narrow to turn around so I had to back up. I started going down a steep hill backwards and felt the truck tipping leftward toward the ocean side of the track. I thought I was sliding off the track down the side of the hill to the ocean, but when I looked in the mirrors I was still in the track. The lean toward the ocean was scaring me so I was steering toward the other side of the track, even though the mirrors showed that I was fine. I ended up getting into soft mud on the right side and having to drive forward up the hill again, and then back down trying to stay in the middle of the track away from the soft mud. But once again the truck was leaning way over to the left even though I was in the middle of the track. It was so scary!

By the time I got to the bottom of the hill my heart was just pounding. A short way along after that and the track widened enough to turn around and I was able to drive out normally, if a little too fast. I bottowmed out twice before slowing down. I had to remind myself that this was a very very bad place to have a breakdown or accident.
Beach view from my campsite
Gray Bay from my campsite
After another hour or so of checking out every campsite on Gray Bay I finally settled on #9. I picked up a grill from a fire pit at one site, some brush for kindling at another site and some good looking cedar logs at yet another site. The campsite I chose was in the woods but opening onto the beach. there was a tree down blocking the entrance to the campsite but I cut it easily with my little bucksaw. The black flies were out but I had a head net that worked fine. I sat on the beach to eat my supper and kept the fire going to just sit by.

I think I am the only person here and I wish I had come sooner, it was really nice. The nicest place I have stayed so far. Loveland Bay came close but this is by the ocean and much more private. It is just after 10 pm and the sun has just set. It is still light out. The tide went out and is on its way back in. Yohan stays very close to me, right now he is lying under the table. When I walked out onto the beach he went to the edge and just watched me.

This week has been interesting. I have felt lonely and anxious a lot of the time, I feel like I am not making the best use of my time. Whatever I am doing, I feel like I should be doing something else. I think that the backward drive on that track earlier in the day was typical, I should have just relaxed at Gray Bay instead of being hellbent to drive some more. it's hard to relax and just enjoy the trip. I listened to an 83-year-old sculptress on CBC radio in the morning who was talking about how life after 50 was about finding one's passion and doing it, taking on new challenges in old age but being more into art and music than physical activity. I must say that I am not ready to give up the physical life for something more cerebral just yet. But I do wish I could relax more.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Tuesday June 9, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

On the trail to the Pesuta
Queen Charlotte City - rainy and cloudy

I slept in because it was wet and rainy. I finally got up and it took forever to get a fire going. On this kind of day I felt like making oatmeal so it was just about noon by the time I finished breakfast. Everything was wet, even the dog. But I thought, what better day to hike out to the Pesuta shipwreck, so that is what I did.


It took four hours but it was through some beautiful rainforest along the Tlell River past some cabins at the mouth of the river ("beach dwellers from the '70s") and finally to the wreck on the beach.

Yohan and I at the wreck of the Pesuta
On the way I met a couple from Surrey and walked from the river to the wreck with them. I came back alone though and when Yohan and I got to my campsite there was a beautiful but bedraggled and starved afghan hound there. He disappeared before I could feed him. Poor dog.

I saw so many eagles and deer but could not photograph them. I had lunch at 5 pm and then visited the Tree House at Sitka Studio in Tlell before driving on to the forestry campsite just past Charlotte City.

The campsite was in a grove of tall Sitkas on the edge of a slate beach, and it felt cold, dank and foreboding. I went into town and had a cold supper of celery, carrot and hardboiled egg. I went back the campsite and set up to go to bed. Just doing that takes an hour, not including eating or feeding the dog. But I was very tired from the hike to the Pesuta which I think was 10 km.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Monday June 8, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

Skidegate Band Centre, Bill Reid totem
Misty Meadows, Tlell - cloudy and cooler

I spent a few hours on the beach but it was cooler and cloudy. I drove to Queen Charlotte City and bought gas and ice, then visited the museum in Skidegate. Bill Reid's canoe Wave-eater was there in a shed with another black canoe. I drove down the road by the Tlell River as well. I am not sure what to do, stay another day and hike to the Pesuta or move on. I kind of want to visit Moresby Island, the southern half of Haida Gwaii, but I don't feel comfortable driving on logging roads and camping at forestry sites alone.


It started to rain so I set up my tarp over the truck tailgate. It was OK, but when I went to bed I left the tailgate open and it began to rain harder and then I saw that the foot of my sleeping bag was getting wet. I closed the tailgate but the damage was already done, the foot of my bed was soaked.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Sunday June 7, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

Driftwood on the beach
Misty Meadows, Naikoon Park, Tlell - sunny and hot

I stayed put today. Listened to the radio, made curtains for the back of my truck from bedsheets and velcro, and spent the afternoon on the beach. I thought about walking to the wreck of the Pesuta but it is way too far along the beach with Yohan and a backpack (5 miles). Anyway, it turns out I wouldn't have made it anyway because I would have had to cross the Tlell River to get there. The Pesuta is a log-carrying ship that was wrecked off the coast in 1928.

More driftwood
It is very buggy today—no-see-ums and black flies. The netting I rigged up in the truck is not working very well. I'm using bug spray but they still bother me. I saw deer and sandpipers today, the deer are everywhere. Two galloped away as I headed back through the woods to my campsite. I tried to sketch some driftwood but it was hard to do with all the bugs. There are miles of empty beach, so later in the afternoon I lay naked in the sun on the hot sand, it was nice.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Saturday June 6, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

Rose Spit beach
Misty Meadows, Naikoon Park, Haida Gwaii - sunny

It was still cloudy windy and cold in the morning so I slept in and then left as soon as I could when I got up. I drove out of the camping area and continued down the road to the very end, on another beach, Rose Spit.

A sea of moss
Once I got away from Agate Beach it was sunny and hot. The rainforest was amazing, the ground cover of moss was so thick it looks like a green sea with trees emerging from it. Moss encased and hung from tree branches.



There were tire tracks on the beach so I drove out onto the beach, it was kind of neat to be driving on a long empty beach. I did not drive all the way to the end of the spit, but turned around and drove back to Massett, stopped at an art and jewelry store, and then followed the gravel road toward Queen Charlotte City.

I then went looking for the Golden Spruce which was a sight to see noted in tourism brochures of Haida Gwaii. It was supposed to be located not far from Massett. There was a sign on the road indicating the trail to the viewing point for the tree (it stood across a river from the viewing point). I walked out to the viewing point but saw nothing. A couple of other tourists were there and equally mystified. Unknown to us, only weeks earlier someone had cut it down and there is a book about that incident, and at the time that I was looking for the tree it was already gone and very few people knew about it.

The beginnings of a Haida war canoe, lying next to the stump of the tree it was carved from
I also went looking for the abandoned Haida Canoe, and that I did find. You walk into the forest to a place where a huge log is lying on the ground next to its stump and you can see that someone had started hollowing it out to create a war canoe. It is very old and I don't know why it was abandoned, it might have been flawed, or there might have been a death in the clan (apparently they would abandon a canoe in the making upon a family death).

The forest at the Golden Spruce site was beautiful. There were some very large (diameter six feet or more at the base) Sitka Spruce, moss and ferns everywhere. All you can hear are the birds and the wind in the trees.

The drive along the gravel road was very long and dusty, I didn't get to Queen Charlotte City until 5.30 pm. It is a pretty town with craft shops and houses built on steep hillsides overlooking the main street. A more touristy looking town than Massett.

I went on to Tlell to camp at the lower end of Naikoon Park. From Queen Charlotte City to Tlell there are museums and craft shops and beaches and so forth, so I would like to stay in this area for awhile. It is still windy but not nearly as windy as Agate Beach. The Misty Meadows campground is much more sheltered being on the east side of the island. At 9.30 pm there is still sunlight on the treetops around my campsite.

Today

This project of digitizing my 1998 journal of a cross-country road trip is all-consuming; when I am not actually working on it I am thinking about it, being transported back to that time in my life. Which right at the moment is a good thing. If I let myself think about what is happening right now I just feel rage, despair and grief. I don't really want to be overwhelmed by that, so I work as much as I can on the road trip project. I feel as if the whole world has come to a point where rage and grief are about the only appropriate reactions. And yet there is still beauty in the world, there is still love and compassion and awe. I'm having a hard time reconciling that.


Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Friday June 5, 1998 - Haida Gwaii

Agate Beach, north shore of Graham Island
Queen of Prince Rupert ferry - foggy

In the morning at Prudhomme Lake two Canada Jays and a squirrel were into my spilled peanut butter. They had pecked holes in the plastic bag which I had anchored under a log. There were lots of no-see-ums and a few black flies. Two park attendants came by to collect my fee and chat, they were very friendly local First Nations. Dagmar and Robert had already left by the time I was awake enough to drop by their campsite. I headed back to Prince Rupert to catch the ferry to Haida Gwaii.

The trip to Haida Gwaii was cold and foggy so I didn't go out on deck much. I was invited to play canasta with a couple sitting at the next table to me. It was a nice sociable game with George and Gisella, a couple from Armstrong BC. I also talked to a man who was going to spend a month in a cabin in Rose Harbour, a privately owned property in Gwaii Haanas, the southern part of the islands. It turned out that he lived a couple of blocks from my brother Peter's place on Sandpiper Drive, Hornby Island.

The ferry trip was a few hours and we arrived in Queen Charlotte City on Graham Island while there were still a few hours left of the day. There are two large islands in Haida Gwaii, Graham Island in the north and Moresby Island to the south. Most people live on Graham Island and the southern part of Moresby Island is taken up by the protected area, Gwaii Haanas. There are many abandoned Haida villages there, with large totem poles slowly rotting back to nature. Queen Charlotte City is the largest town in Haida Gwaii, on the south coast of Graham Island.


I had decided to camp at the north end of Graham Island, in Naikoon Park. Naikoon Park has two campgrounds, Agate Beach in the north and Misty Meadows further south on the east coast of the island.

The road from Queen Charlotte City to Agate Beach takes you through Tlell (near the Misty Meadows campground) and Massett, a large Haida village. It was a nice drive but it was cold, cloudy and windy at the campground. All the campsites were right on the beach and exposed to the wind, but I found one that was buried in low coniferous trees that made an effective wind barrier. It was like camping in a cave made of shrubby trees. So inside my campsite I couldn't see the water, but the wind and surf were very loud. It was a nice drive through forest but cold, cloudy and windy at the campground, which is right on the beach. On a clear day one might see the southern tip of Alaska, but not this day. The sound of the surf and wind was very loud.

The windbreak between my campsite and the beach
After setting up camp I went for a short walk along the beach. There were tall dead trees standing above the scrubby trees of the beach. Looking at them I thought they looked like totem poles looking out toward the sea, and I wondered if this was where the Haida got the idea of making totem poles.

I fed Yohan and had a can of soup for supper and went to bed. At 10.30 pm it was still light out even though it was cloudy.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Thursday June 4, 1998 - Inside Passage

Leaving Port Hardy on the Queen of the North
Queen of the North ferry - cloudy and warm

[Yes, that Queen of the North]*

I got up early at 5 am to catch the ferry So far it is cloudy but we are hoping for clear weather for the long trip up the Inside Passage.


Later: sunny and warm

The weather did clear, but whenever we passed through open ocean it became cloudy and cool. In the channels it was warm and sunny. Beautiful.

Dagmar and Robert


Robert said that there were a lot of Germans on this boat but very few Canadians. Mostly German and American. Two forestry people did presentations on natural and cultural history, it was like a cruise with lots of deck chairs and people lying or sitting in the sun. But it was a bit cool for bathing suits, though some were in shorts. I wondered how many were going on to Haida Gwaii.





Robert said "bad people don't travel", meaning that all the people you meet travelling are nice. But he  did warn me about Germans, he said that he had lived most of his life in Germany and found them cool and unfriendly. When he was telling me this Dagmar was nodding her head vigorously in agreement. As near as I could make out Dagmar escaped Czechoslovakia after the Soviet invasion in 1968 after the "Prague Spring". She settled in West Germany and Robert was either an infant or born soon after her escape. She was a single mom. I wish I could have talked to her more.




I would encounter many German tourists during my time in the west of Canada, they love the wilderness and the native peoples. I won't say that Robert's warning was totally true but in general I did find German tourists taciturn and stand-offish.




Prudhomme Lake - cold and cloudy

The last part of the trip was windy, cold and cloudy. My face was burning and I felt exhausted so I ended up just watching a TV movie for the last two hours.


We arrived in Prince Rupert late, around 10 pm I think. Finding a place to stay so late at night after getting off the ferry was a bit hairy. Robert and Dagmar and I agreed to meet at the nearest campground after we left Prince Rupert, but the closest campground looked pretty awful with RVs lined up on the highway to get in. So we drove another 20 km down the road to a little provincial park, Prudhomme Lake, which was just fine. My jar of peanut butter had opened and spilled inside a plastic bag and I spent an extra ten minutes cleaning that up. I fed the dog and put away all my stuff before going to bed myself. I was exhausted. 

* [The Queen of the North sank on March 22, 2006 in the middle of the night due to "human factors". Two people died although their bodies were never found; the rest were rescued by fishing boats and rescue craft from Hartley Bay]

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Wednesday June 3, 1998 - Port Hardy

Georgie Lake
Port Hardy - sunny and hot

Since the ferry doesn't leave until tomorrow I have a day to explore the local area. I went to Port MacNeill and Telegraph Cove. I would have liked to go to Alert Bay but I didn't think I had enough time. Three days is just not enough time for Vancouver Island.

Songhees hiking trail
I turned off on a forestry road to another forestry site on Georgie Lake. it was very nice. I took a short walk on the Songhees hiking trail and then went swimming in the lake.

Clearcut near Port Hardy
In the evening I had tea with Robert and Dagmar. They are Czech but live in Germany, Dagmar does not speak English. Robert is here for a year (until November) and does a lot of travelling; in the past he has bicycled all the way to the north end of Norway. Dagmar is here for three months. I wish I could have talked to Dagmar, she is my age. We are all taking the ferry tomorrow and they are driving east and south from Prince Rupert. I will be catching another ferry to Haida Gwaii.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Tuesday June 2, 1998 - Port Hardy

Port Hardy - sunny and hot

I returned to the highway at Campbell River and did a bit of shopping there. I stopped at a Rest Area near Woss for lunch and met a couple there from New Westminster. He is an X-ray technician who travels all over BC and the Yukon for his job. He recommended many places to visit.

I thought I would stop for the night at a Nimpkish Lake forestry site but when I got there I didn't like the feel of it so I continued on. Forestry sites are more primitive than provincial park campsites, but they are free. Also unsupervised, so if it doesn't feel right, best to move on.

I ended up driving all the way to Port Hardy and just stayed there an extra day. I had already booked a spot on the Port Hardy ferry to Prince Rupert and had to be ready to board very early in the morning. I checked in to Wildwoods Campground, a family-run camp. Two families run it and the kids run around in a golfcart with all the family dogs. I found a kind of cute site and briefly talked to my new neighbours, Robert and his mother Dagmar, but it was late and my dinner was slow to cook.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Monday June 1, 1998 - Loveland Bay

Loveland Bay
Loveland Bay, BC - sunny and warm

In the morning at Qualicum Falls I substantially repacked the truck. On my first evening and morning of camping I found out how inaccessible the stuff I need every day was, so it is much better now. I went for a walk to see the falls and wished I had brought along my camera. Note to self: always take the camera.
It was afternoon by the time I left my first campsite. I drove to Campbell River, stopping in Courtenay to buy two books. I debated staying on Denman Island but decided to go on. I drove past Elk Falls Park to Loveland Bay Park and got a nice campsite on the lake. No mosquitoes! Fish jumping in the lake, mountains in the distance and very private site. And, there was a bald eagle perched in a tree overlooking my truck.

Bald Eagle at top of tree overlooking my campsite
The water was a bit too cold to swim in. I rigged up some netting on the back of the truck in case mosquitoes did show up in the night and went to bed early: 10.30 pm.

I am very happy now, enjoying this a lot. I woke up to birds singing, water lapping. I just wish I had made better coffee!

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Sunday May 31, 1998 - Little Qualicum Falls

Leaving Horseshoe Bay on the ferry to Nanaimo

Little Qualicum Falls, BC — sunny and warm

This time I made it out the door at 10 am, the truck already packed and ready to go. However I arrived at the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal just as the 10.30 ferry to Nanaimo was leaving so I had to wait for the 12.30 ferry. I was the second car aboard. Crossing the Georgia Strait I saw porpoises. On arrival at Nanaimo I hit the highway and drove to Parksville, where I turned off for the Little Qualicum Falls Provincial Park to set up camp for the night.

I was travelling with my 16 year old dog Yohan, a Border Collie-Nova Scotia Duck Toller cross, in my 1991 red Chevy S10 truck. I bought the truck in 1994 because I really wanted a truck, and in 1996 I bought a canopy for the back of the truck so that I could use if for camping. My first test run was the following year, 1997, to drive from New Westminster where I lived to Toronto where my eldest son was getting married in October. Yohan came with, and he was a good road trip companion. Part of the impetus for my 1998 trip was to go out for one last trip with him and to go to his birthplace near Wolfville, Nova Scotia. Not that he would have cared but it appealed to my romantic side. The other impetus was that I had turned 50 the month before and I felt I needed to do something to mark the occasion. I convinced my employer to give me a 4-month sabbatical to do it.

Nanaimo ferry terminal
I constructed a bed in the back of the truck from wood that previously was used to build a bunk bed set for my sons when they were little. The bed was just high enough off the floor to be able to store Rubbermaid plastic containers that I kept my camping gear and food in, there was also space for a small battery-operated bedside lamp, a suitcase of clothing and a bunch of stuff that I thought I would use to entertain myself on the trip: some painting paraphenalia, some books and my banjo. As it turned out I never touched most of that stuff, I never sat around wanting to entertain myself. Yohan sat on top of stuff I stored behind the bench seat of the truck cab in a space large enough for him to lie down if he wanted.

Little Qualicum Falls was beautiful, as are most BC provincial park campsites. At a neighbouring campsite I met Bill O, a former QA engineer for the government in electronics. He retired at age 53 and was writing a fantasy novel. We talked for a long time, in particular about trout tickling, something I had never heard of. He could put his hand in the water and make movements that attracted trout fish to investigate, and then was able to stroke their sides which apparently they quite like. This is trout
tickling.

I didn't get to bed until quite late and did not sleep well due to the heat and mosquitoes. I had made screens for windows and for the back hatch of the truck canopy, but there were still cracks that the mosquitoes could get through. This was a constant battle on my road trip, to try to get those cracks blocked sufficiently to keep the bugs out. I was only partially successful and hot summer nights were a trial.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Saturday May 30, 1998 - New Westminster

New Westminster, BC - sunny and warm

I intended to leave on Saturday but after cleaning and packing it was 3.30 pm and I had a panic attack — intense loneliness and fear. I drove into the city and dropped off the last of my freezer contents at Sam's and then went back home. I thought I'd feel better leaving first thing in the morning so I postponed my departure to Sunday morning. It's scary setting out on such a big trip all by myself.

I have packed everything I can think of that I might need, and then some. I have all kinds of maps, but only a vague plan of how I am going to do this. My 16-year-old dog Yohan is coming with, he travels well and he's far too old to be leaving behind in a kennel. I have this romantic idea of taking him to see his birthplace before he dies. The one thing I did have to plan in advance is the ferry from Port Hardy to Prince Rupert, at this time of year it is obligatory to book one's place on the boat. I chose June 4th, which gives me only five days on Vancouver Island. And since I am postponing my departure by one day, it is now only four days.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The grace of the world

Atlin Lake BC in 2000
From my Panhala poetry feed:

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.  

~ Wendell Berry ~

I like the phrase "forethought of grief". It's about not grieving tragedy in advance, about not letting despair around environmental destruction destroy you.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

May 1998, and a play

Middle-aged Yohan, in Ottawa
Not only is this month the fiftieth anniversary of les événements de Mai  it is also the twentieth anniversary of a personal sort. In 1998 I went on a four-month road trip across Canada, managing to visit every territory and province except Nunavut. I travelled in my 1991 Chevy S10 truck with my 16 year old dog Yohan. He died a few months after we returned from that trip. He was a good companion for road tripping and I knew he probably wouldn't survive the year, being so old. It was my fiftieth year and I felt I needed to do something to mark it. I managed to convince my employer to give me a four month sabbatical and took off toward the end of May. I kept a journal, I wrote emails and I took a lot of photos. When I got home again I packed it all away and focussed on my dog's last days. Then I moved on in my life.

I always intended to do something with all that material but it seemed like a daunting task so nothing happened. Yesterday I revisited that idea and hauled out the photo album and journal. I went through my saved emails and transcribed them to Word documents. At the time I was using a now-defunct email program, Eudora, so transcribing was a bit finicky. But it's done now. Then I went through the photos. At the time I thought labels were not necessary, my memory would suffice. Hah! In the journal I at first noted whenever I took photos so that looked promising, but apparently I soon dropped the practice due no doubt to unwarranted trust in my memory. Some of them are obvious but a lot are not.

Youthful Yohan, in Wolfville
Anyway, what I hope to do is post some of this material on the days that correspond to the journal entries. I don't know how far I will get, it's a lot of transcribing and scanning of photos. I may end up doing some of it retroactively. The most memorable part of the trip was from Port Hardy at the northern tip of Vancouver Island to Inuvik near the Arctic Ocean and back to Whitehorse in the Yukon. During that time I came close to losing Yohan which was traumatic. I would have cancelled the whole trip and headed back to New Westminster where I lived if that had happened. One veterinarian I took him to recommended that I let him go and I simply couldn't do it. But he survived and in some ways the rest of the trip was a postscript to that moment.

Old Yohan, in Toronto
What got to me yesterday was looking at photos of Yohan. For some reason I had consigned all the photos of Yohan to this album so for years I wondered why I didn't have any pictures of him, I forgot that they were in the 1998 Road Trip album. But there they were, especially a favourite taken when he was still a mature but healthy beauty. After he died I missed him a lot, I used to dream of his return for years after. In fact those dreams did not stop until I got Hapi, my current doggy companion.  When I looked at these old photos of Yohan I felt very sad. Not because I missed him but because I didn't. I had forgotten him. I looked at those photos and felt nothing, and that made me sad; that it was so easy to forget someone.

The feeling of sadness stuck with me for the day. In the evening I was ushering for a Stage Prophets musical, The Children of Eden. It was a joyful musical but I had a hard time feeling joyful. A friend of mine was responsible for costume design and the costumes were truly imaginative and amazing. the first act was about Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel, the second act about Noah and the Flood. In both acts a host of animals participated, from mice to elephants, alligators to ostriches. The giraffes in particular were applauded. I do have to say though that the musical did not portray God ("Father") in a particularly positive light. he seemed a tad vindictive, who justified his actions as the exigencies of fatherhood. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it was definitely an enjoyable performance. Not exactly a cast of hundreds, but pretty darn close.

FYI, the photos of Yohan here are clips from other photos which I did because I had apparently "lost" all my photos of him. I'll try to scan some of the better photos of him from that old 1998 road trip photo album.

Friday, May 11, 2018

May 1968

In 1966 I started my first year of university, I was 18. I had won a couple of scholarships that enabled me to live in residence and still have enough money to pay tuition and books, I had worked a summer job that also helped financially. It was my first time living away from home.

Even though I detested French in high school I had ended up going to a college that required all first year students to take French, and so was enrolled in a small class taught by an Englishwoman who happened to be fluent in French. Miss Dawes. She was a likeable sort and several of us used to hang about her office and she started encouraging us to go to Europe as students. She said we were at the age to truly appreciate it, and there were all sorts of savings and discounts if one was a registered student. A few of us were convinced and she helped us do it. We each picked a French university to enrol in and she guided us through the complicated and extensive paperwork to get ourselves registered. She cautioned us that the universities would try to enrol us as foreign students and we should insist on being regular students. In those days that was possible and tuition in France was ridiculously low, but the universities would prefer us to be foreign students because they made more money that way.

Long story short, I got myself enrolled as a regular student at l'Université de Rouen, which is half way between Le Havre at the mouth of the Seine and Paris. I worked my butt off that summer to make money to pay for this. My father was dead against it because he had been in France in the war and considered it an awful place. And in the meantime my personal life went all to hell and I very nearly did not go to France or anywhere else at all, but when I tried to explain to Miss Dawes why I couldn't go, she said that if I really wanted to go she would make it happen. And she did. I am indebted to her, my life would have turned out very differently were it not for her.

So I went to France in September of 1967. In spite of 5 years of lousy high school French and one year of very good college-level French, I was almost completely unable to speak the language and totally terrified when I arrived in Dieppe. But Miss Dawes spent her summer getting married to the Harbour Master of Dieppe, and I was able to spend my first few days with her and her new husband before setting off for Rouen. I never saw her again after that.

Of course there were a lot of adventures and scary moments and the year I spent living in France was probably one of the most intense of my life. But that is not why I am writing this. Well it is, but it's not why I am writing it now.

Last weekend I was browsing around on Youtube and came across a video documentary (in French) about 'les événements de Mai' in Paris France, 1968. I realized that it was the fiftieth anniversary. My French is pretty rusty now and I only understood half the dialog, but I certainly understood what it was about because I was there. I recognized Dany le Rouge even before they said his name.

Last night CBC Ideas did an hour-long radio documentary on the same subject, interviewing some of the players and witnesses at the time. I listened to it and it bothered me. In the broad strokes it was accurate and certainly I cannot argue with witness accounts, but I felt like the creators of the documentary really didn't understand, they weren't there. For one thing they kept harping on this idea that it all started from students in Nanterre wanting to sleep with their girlfriends in the university residences. There was a tape of Dany Cohn-Bendit saying that apparently, although I think he was just being cheeky. I'm sure it was said but to trivialize the whole thing that way was offensive.

I lived in residence at Rouen. The university was not actually in Rouen but in Mont-Saint-Aignan, a suburb on one of the hills surrounding the city. It was a new university like Nanterre, built to serve the huge numbers of young people going to college then. And men weren't allowed in the women's dormitory or vice versa, but it was done. Besides, most of the French girls I met in residence had zero interest in letting a man into their rooms. I think it must have been the same at Nanterre. Over the course of the winter I made friends with a group of people who met regularly in one of the guys' dorm rooms, Romain's, during the daytime. When Romain and I became close friends I spent the occasional night at his place, but we weren't sleeping together. We also did volunteer work together, fixing up homes for people who couldn't afford it otherwise. Some of the students in the group belonged to an organization called Jeunesse Communiste Revolutionnaire (JCR). I didn't think anything of it, they were my friends. Then the revolution happened.

It started in Nanterre and very quickly, almost immediately, moved to la Sorbonne in Paris. Le quartier latin became a battlefield between students and police ('les flics'), and we at all the provincial universities wanted to be part of it. So when the students in Paris occupied la Sorbonne, we occupied le Faculté des Arts. That meant we had to guard it against rightwing (fascist) students so we took turns occupying the building around the clock. When we occupied le Fac we mostly spent the night sitting around in the hallways, drinking coffee and listening to music. Mostly French pop music of course, but I remember Bob Dylan being played a lot.

When the Paris students occupied l'Odéon in Paris we were going to take le Théatre des Arts in Rouen. We marched en masse down the mountain and down rue Jeanne d'Arc (Rouen's main street) almost to the river and gathered shouting slogans in front of the theatre. All able-bodied policemen in the provinces had been sent to Paris, all that was left in Rouen were older men with batons. They formed a line in front of the theatre and smiled at us, all they had were those batons hanging from their belts. There was some shouting and some fiery speeches, but in the end no one wanted to beat up some old men. The crowd dispersed.

The unions went out on strike, many of the unionists came to the university. Classes had been cancelled and instead there were forums of students, professors and unionists, talking about how France could be changed to be a better place. It was very exciting. In the news the unions and the students were turning everything upside down, de Gaulle had left town and it really looked like change was happening.

I wanted to go to Paris to see what was happening there, the epi-centre of the revolution. I hitchhiked and got a ride with some other students going to Paris for the same reason. During the winter I had discovered this wonderful hostel on the edge of Paris that I knew I would be able to stay at, a very sympat place. All along the highway to Paris there were abandoned cars on the shoulders. Because of the general strike there was no gasoline, when you ran out there was nothing to do. The city itself was topsy turvy. People in business suits were walking into the middle of traffic trying to cadge a lift to where ever they had to go. And the army was there. We were standing on a sidewalk when a big army truck with canvas over the back pulled up and two soldiers with automatics over their shoulders got out and waved us to the back of the truck. We lifted the edge of the canvas and the truck was full of people. We squeezed in. The truck drove away and people would lift the edge of the canvas to peak out, when you saw the place you wanted to get off you shouted to the soldiers who shouted to the driver and the truck pulled over and let you off. We arrived at le quartier latin in that way.

The cafés were open and full of people. There were big oil drums here and there with fires in them and police standing around them. Lots of police, but no one doing anything, it was business as usual, shopping, lounging in cafés, nothing out of the ordinary except of course all the police standing around barrels of fire. We walked to la Sorbonne. As we got closer we saw the barricades and the torn up streets (students pulled up paving stones to throw at les flics). The entrance to la Sorbonne was guarded by a group of students, you had to have a student card to get in. Thank you Miss Dawes!!! I went in.

The main courtyard was lined with huge banners and signs with many students milling around. Everywhere were political discussions and signs to various forums being conducted in the lecture halls. It was a Communist Revolutionary's dream come true! I remember that one of the large banners hanging in that courtyard was a recipe and instructions for making a Molotov Cocktail. I went to one forum and listened. There were heated discussions about what the outcome to all of this was going to be. People were planning for a future in a whole new world, it was going to be a revolutionary society. The excitement and exhilaration of being instrumental in a huge change to the country was so thick you could taste it.

Later, outside, I was sitting at a café and people were getting ready to leave. It was almost 5pm and the unspoken agreement was that if you were on the street before 5 it was just a normal day but after 5 it was a war zone. If you didn't want to be in the war it was time to leave. I left.

I stayed at the hostel on the edge of the city that night and everyone there shared stories of what they had seen and heard. The next day I returned to Rouen. While I was away, the rightwing fascist students had attacked le Fac and taken it from the leftists. They burned all the student records in the registrar's office. Romain was in his last year and was devastated, he would not be able to graduate. We had become close but he left in the night without telling anyone. That upset me because he was my best friend, but I felt bad for him. Soon after I decided I needed to leave too. I went to England for a couple of weeks to get away from the intensity. I hitchhiked around, staying at hostels, and telling stories of what was happening in France. English students thought it was hilarious and told stories of how intense French students were about politics. In a way I was shocked by their cavalier attitude because I had been taking it all very seriously. After two weeks I returned to Rouen.

The revolution was over. There is a big sandstone cliff overlooking the city of Rouen, someone had carved la croix de Lorraine (looks like a cross with two horizontal arms instead of one) on it. To me, it was like seeing a swastika, it was the symbol of de Gaulle. The mood was glum. I saw a few friends briefly to say goodbye and then went to Paris to meet a Canadian friend who was coming to spend a few weeks of the summer travelling with me. I was glad to see her and tried to explain les événements de Mai to her but I could not convey what it really meant. She could not possibly understand. We had fun and I don't regret it but in my heart I was devastated. At the end of the summer I came home knowing that revolution doesn't work, it can't be done. Every revolution carries within it the seeds of its own demise.

I wrote a few letters to my great aunt Dora about my trip and she wrote to me. After I returned home she gave me all of my letters, saying I should keep them for my records. But I did not. I never took a camera so no pictures. I did buy a couple of books published later in the summer full of photos of les événements de Mai, particularly some of the many wonderful slogans and posters, but I never hung onto those either. A couple of friends in Rouen wrote to me of the aftermath, it was not good. The radio documentary on CBC tried to say that it changed the world but they did not specify how that was and my friends there did not think things changed for the better. Because of the timing most students lost their year, Romain lost four years because of the student records being burnt.

I particularly remember the great Gaulliste demo on les Champs Elysées, hundreds of thousands of de Gaulle supporters, a bigger demo than any the students mounted. the photo in the newspaper was so shocking, I could not believe that the people were that against the students.

But oh, it felt like we came so close! So close!


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Babies in a dangerous world

The goldfinches have been bringing their youngsters to my bird feeder. They are very cute. I watched a demo one day, the parent goldfinches showing the youngsters how to use the feeder. There were two or three young finches in the branches surrounding the feeder watching very closely as the parents flew in, grabbed a seed and flew back to the tree with it. Then one of the babies tried it out, flew to the feeder and sat there bobbing its head:

"Is this right? Have I got it right?"

Yesterday I looked out the door window onto my porch near the feeder and saw a chickadee sitting on the porch floor in the sun. It was kind of fluffed up, one wing hanging a bit loose and its head slowly drifting downwards. Then it would suddenly pull its head back up and the downward drift would begin again.

Was it falling asleep? Or was it injured? I started to open the door to take a closer look and the bird perked right up and flew away. I think it was trying to have a nap in the sun. Probably another youngster who has not yet learned the dangers of falling asleep in open view of potential predators.

After walking our dogs at the reservoir, a friend and I were sitting in the sun discussing the state of the world (and the joy of sitting in the sun doing nothing) and I mentioned that I had not seen a single junco this year and probably not the year before either. He said he hadn't seen any either.

"Or Red Polls," I said, "Haven't seen them either."

We contemplated the loss of birds. The ones who remain are precious.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Sad story

Goldfinch at the bird feeder
The other day I heard a loud thud as a bird hit one of my living room windows. This happens occasionally as I have a bird feeder hanging in a tree nearby. I looked out the window but did not see any birds on the ground, so I thought maybe it just bounced and flew away.

But later I went outside and found the bird's body on the ground below one of the windows, it was dead. It was a Downy Woodpecker, black and white with a spot of red on the back of its head. They don't come often to the bird feeder but I do see one occasionally. Anyway, I left it where it was and went on to haul more dirt for the holes in the front yard. Later, I noticed that Hapi had been digging in my garden. I try to discourage that but she likes to bury bones and other edibles there. Since she hadn't been fed or given a bone in some time I wondered what she was burying so I poked my finger in the disturbed soil. It was the bird.

Proper thing, I thought, what I should have done.

Now, I wonder about that bird. Did it have a mate? Youngsters to feed? Did its mate wonder what happen to it? Did it mourn the loss? And if there were youngsters was the mate able to care for them alone? Or was she (or he) forced to abandon them for lack of a helpmate? An adult bird being killed at this time of year can have a ripple effect.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Dirt Tales

In the ravine
I spent last weekend hauling dirt. The local Big Box building supply place had "topsoil" (it's a mix of stuff so not really topsoil) on sale at $0.98 a bag. I could only get 20 bags in the car at a time so it involved numerous trips as I required about 2 cubic yards of the stuff. I was going to order real topsoil which would have been delivered loose by truck, but I did the math and figured that the bagged stuff was comparable in price and way more handy to move around. Just so you know, it takes 30.6 25-litre bags to make one cubic yard (Yay internet!). Volume-wise I could have fit more than 20 bags into the car, but weight-wise I couldn't.

I took Hapi along for the ride(s). Just so happens that the building supply place is dog-friendly so she could go inside on-leash and wander around outside off-leash while I got my dirt loaded. Lots of dog treats involved. On Saturday there was a hotdog stand outside the store and Hapi snagged a couple of hotdogs, which she much prefers over dog treats.

From the parking lot you can get into the ravine where I used to take Hapi regularly for walks. So at one point we did that too. Still some ice on the ground there though, so it was a bit tricky. I don't go there very often any more.

When I was walking through the store a woman came up behind me and said, "Is this Hapi?" I turned and looked at her, she looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't quite place her. "Bodhi," she said. Oh of course, she's the owner of the big black Great Dane named Bodhi! I used to run into her often in the ravine. I asked after Bodhi but sadly he had died at a young age; she now has two new Great Danes. Hapi was scared of Bodhi because he was so big, about the only dog Hapi was ever scared of. But Bodhi was very friendly, he'd lean up against you to be petted and just about knock you over he was so big. Like a small pony.

Funny how I remember dog names but not their owners, I still have no idea what that woman's name is.

The dirt was for filling in a couple of sinkholes left from the sewer line excavation in the front yard last fall. So in between trips to the dirt store I was dumping bags of dirt into the holes. Two days of that and it was exhausting, I'd come indoors at suppertime and collapse. But the new soaker tub and Epsom salts came in handy. I was planning to put in grass seed when the dirt settled but one passerby who stopped to watch me work suggested a garden in one of the holes instead and I think I will do that. Not that I need any more garden beds, but I have too many hosta in the back yard that desperately need dividing so some of them could move to the front yard.

I ended up with closer to 4 cubic yards of dirt and composted manure (also on sale) when all was said and done, a lot of that is still sitting in the driveway awaiting good ideas for how to use it. Just couldn't resist the sale price. But I got the holes filled just in time for a major rainstorm to settle it all in, so I was happy with that.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

70


I turned 70 shortly after my friend died in the city. There was a celebration of life at her son's place on what would have been her 69th birthday, I went down for that. There was a good turn out. It was basically a party with food and drink, no speeches or anything. All her photo albums were out so you could go through them. I was impressed at what a record she left behind. I take pictures of dogs and trees and birds but she took pictures of people, a good half century of people. A lot of shared memories there.

My own birthday was the next day. Had a big party at a local brew pub, then the next day attended the 70th birthday of a friend at a local winery. A much more upscale affair. Then I had a second small party of friends in a cabin on the mountain. A local guy gave me a shadow box model of a boat that he made. I love his boat models.


The brew pub is actually a malt house, they malt grain for craft breweries to use in making beer. Then last year they opened their own little brewery and pub. It's out in the country surrounded by farmland, so a lot of their regulars are farmers. It's a nice place, very cosy. On your way to the washroom you can take a look at the malting operation.

Then a friend and I reserved a table for six at a local pasta place where once a week he has Burger Night. He makes 60 burgers, bakes the buns for them, and when you make reservations it's more for the burger than for the seat. He does two dinner seatings that night and when all the burgers are reserved that's it, there ain't no more. Right now Burger Wars is going on locally, but this restaurant does not participate because their burgers are so good that they would win hands down every time. On Burger Night you get one burger, one local craft beer and a salad for $17. Right now my favourite local beer is Wayfarers Hellene. The burger that night was a Pizza Burger, it had pepperoni and tomato sauce in addition to the usual hamburger and fixings. And they do a vegetarian version too, but when you make the reservations you have to specify whether you want regular or vegetarian so he knows how many of each to make.

I was invited out to two other dinner/beer events but I had to say no because all that partying gave me a gum infection and I guess at age 70 you can only push your luck so far.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

She has left the room


This morning, Easter Sunday and the first of April, a dear friend died.

I first met her in the mid-'70s, she was visiting her sister in the commune that I then lived in, and I was just returning from out west, newly pregnant with my last child. I thought she was a great person but was preoccupied with severe morning sickness, new single-parentdom, and the exigencies of living in a cabin in the woods on a commune. Eventually I moved away, first to town, then to another province, and then to another coast. But I returned many years later and reconnected with her. By then she had been married, separated, and diagnosed with a host of health issues that among other things necessitated dialysis three times a week. For thirteen years she lived with that, and if you know anything about dialysis then you know that that is an extremely long time.

Our birthdates were one year less a day apart in early April. Two years ago I went to Halifax where she was then living to celebrate our birthdays together. I stayed overnight on her couch and on the first birthday we went for a fabulous Italian dinner washed down with Prosecco at a great little restaurant near her home. On the second birthday we went for a wonderful brunch at another restaurant near her place. And throughout we just hung out and talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. I think that will always be one of the highlights of my relationship with her.

She loved good food and drink. She loved life no matter the adversity, and there was a lot of that. Since then she has been in and out of hospital, more in than out. I visited her in her various hospital rooms, frequently requiring "downing-up" since she acquired a couple of hospital-related antibiotic-resistant infections. At one point we had to wear bizarre face masks in addition to the paper gowns and latex gloves. In the end, the infection was what killed her, but her health was such that it could just as easily have been something else. She got good care in the hospital and I think she enjoyed the company, since she was fairly isolated in her little apartment in a city where she had few friends (most of her friends lived in the Valley and she had no way to get there, and we Valley people did not go to the city as often as she would have liked).

My mother died at home, we kids took care of her with assistance from the local palliative care. It was a good death as these things go, but sometimes death takes a long time and the stress of daily care and four siblings who are not used to prolonged proximity and the exigencies of taking care of a dying parent can be overwhelming. I know that the first emotion we all felt at the moment of her death was relief.

My friend died in hospital, where her basic needs were taken care of by hospital nurses and staff. The only restrictions on visitors were those in defence of her dignity and privacy, and mental and physical health needs. They were minimally invasive and took pains to keep her comfortable, I never got the sense that they were keeping her alive at any cost or that they were being insensitive toward her or her visitors. Her son left his guitar in her room so he could play it to her whenever he was there (and he was a very attentive son).

I am glad that her family had the time to gather around her at this time. I am glad to have known her, and relieved that as these things go it was a good death. A friend described it as "torturous", but I think that she herself was not tortured but at peace with her end. It was torturous for those she left.